Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I shouldn't think so much.

I've been thinking, lately, about self-discipline and the fact that I don't have any. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but dammitall I look around and just can't come to any other conclusion!

Case in point: My room. I have a pile of laundry that I need to do, my dresser needs dusted (ok, the parts that I can see need dusted), there are some clean clothes that need put away, Goodwill needs about half of my shoes (because I either don't or can't wear them anymore), and that nasty mirror will NOT quit reflecting back to me that I have gained some weight back.

Ok, you caught me. It's the mirror that's really bugging me. While I have always been uncomfortable with my weight, it never really got out of control until after I had kids. The reason that happened is because I decided that I was eating for two (dozen) with each pregnancy. You think I joke? Statistics, please:

1985 pre-pregnancy weight..........135
1986 9-months pregnant...............200
1987 post pregnancy weight..........125

1990 pre pregnancy weight...........145
1991 9-months pregnant...............200
1992 post pregnancy weight.........154

1995 pre pregnancy weight...........155
1996 9-months pregnant...............200
1997 post pregnancy weight..........165

Notice the 200lbs? My body ballooned up to 200 (but never past) each time. I am not quite 5'4" tall. That is a lot of weight to carry around. The remarkable thing about the above chart is not that I went to 200lbs and never over. Nope, the remarkable thing is that no matter when in my pregnancies I reached 200lbs, my body never went over that mark. During pregnancy number one I got to 200 in my third trimester. Pregnancies two and three I reached the magic mark in my second trimester. If you guessed that the second pregnancy 200lb mark was reached at the end of the second trimester and third pregnancy the mark was hit at the very beginning, you get high marks for intuition (and you must be a female! lol).

Needless to say, besides acquiring major stretch marks and flat feet, my self-esteem took a plunge. Of course, came all the diets I could think of, and exercise, too. You name the fad diet, I tried it. I also tried Weight Watchers. As for exercise, I tried exercise videos, jogging outside, running stairs inside (PS, don't ever try that without stretching first. Also don't ever try that after you have been sedentary for a while - you will not be able to walk for a week - trust me.), taking long, long walks every day, etc. I hate exercise. I really do. And besides, it did not help.

Finally, after I reached 182lbs in 2004 and after my divorce in 2006, I decided to get serious. I hired a personal trainer.

You know how you are told to exercise to the point of discomfort? Ok. Discomfort is not what you think it is. "Discomfort" is what I used to refer to as "pain". Not anymore, though. I am here to tell you that "pain" is something totally different. I am also here to tell you that I will not willingly exercise to the point of discomfort without someone pushing me there and saying, "Don't stop, now! Don't you dare stop - you can do it!!!"

By the end of 2006, I was looking and feeling wonderful. And then....I ran out of money. Not really. I just ran out of money for the personal trainer. I figured a membership to the YMCA would work just as well, and now that I was in the best shape of my life, I would keep up whatever I had learned. Ha!

I am not back to 182lbs by a long shot. But, I am flabby. I am tired. I am discouraged. I have no idea how to get back to the shape I used to be in just 2 short years ago.

Ok, I lie. I do know how to get back into that shape. I just seem to have no will and (more importantly) no self-discipline to do it. It is turning into a viscious circle of which perhaps you are familiar.

I need to exercise.
I have to get up early to exercise.
I am too tired to exercise.
I will exercise after work.
I am too tired after work to exercise.
ETC

I should quit thinking and hating and just DO it. Where is the Nike ad executive who started that campaign? He is making me feel guilty.

Maybe I should just get rid of that mirror...